The Control Line
When God Says No
Here I go into the dangerous territory of talking about suffering and truth. I know many people have suffered longer, suffered better and suffered far worse things. But this is just what I’ve been learning. Fortunately for me, I’m an artist and artists kind of have this unspoken pass on being able to say things that when attached to a melody, people tend to hear with a gracious ear. So, here’s my artist’s pass. I wrote a song. It has a melody. Let me tell you what it’s about.
Kenny and I have been going through about a year and a half of infertility. Altogether we’ve had a lot of good but big things going on and this has been a relatively smaller thing in the mix. It’s just starting to pick up momentum for me particularly as I get older and the longing increases and the hope of getting pregnant seems dimmer.
One of the hardest things for me about the process has been the monthly disappointment after a sneaky seed of hope snuck in with a period that came a couple days late. I’m already not great at holding onto a hope lightly with an open palm and this is just another example in my life where this balance of hoping for something but not in something has surfaced again.
Thoughts slipping in like, What if I am pregnant? How would I tell Kenny? I had this idea to place a tiny pair of slippers by the door and watch his reaction (slippers are flipflops in Hawaii). Maybe I’d film it and send the video to my family as the announcement. What would the baby look like? What would the personality be? What name should we choose?
Then when the answer of no appears in the one line result on the pregnancy test, I feel this sadness come over me. That one line is the control line. It’s just there to let you know you peed in the right spot and the test is working. If there’s a second line, you’re pregnant.
So each month after those hopeful “What if?” thoughts have snuck in and I’ve accidentally made plans for the entire life of the baby, I’m greeted by the control line.
Yes, the test worked.
No, you’re not pregnant.
It’s the new rhythm. The time aspect of it has been interesting and unexpected for me. Like a metronome, a constant, rhythmic cycle of hope, control line, not pregnant, hope, control line, not pregnant, hope, control line, not pregnant. I can feel the time passing. I know how old I am and I can feel the limited amount of time I have left to get pregnant diminishing every month and the control line is what lets me know; this month is the same as last month and every month before it. Not pregnant.
This is where the idea for “The Control Line” originated. This monthly answer of no and the things I’ve been learning from it.
God always answers my prayers. He often says no.
No is an answer. This has been a pet peeve of mine for many years. So often I hear people say, “God didn’t answer my prayers,” when God answered and said no. No is an answer. The more accurate way to say it is that God didn’t give you what you wanted. And that’s often extremely painful, particularly when we pray for good and what seems like very God glorifying things, but it doesn’t make it any less of an answer. God always answers prayer. And He often says no.
One more thing to add here is that if God answers yes to every one of my prayers, doesn’t that make me God? If everything I desire comes to fruition because I have a God who always answers yes, God is genie and I (with control of the genie) am God. And that’s actually pretty terrifying.
God saying no is not evidence of a lack of love, power or control.
Many people will say that God works all things together for the good of those that love Him while they’re in a trial with the hope that God is going to give them something better later. “I didn’t get that job, but I know God is going to provide an even better job!” Or looking back on the trial, “I didn’t get that job but then I got the job I didn’t know was a better fit for better pay!” Aka, God was withholding something in order to give them a better thing according to their own preferences.
But it’s a much better promise than that.
God is working all things together for the good of those that love Him while He answers no to our prayers. That’s the hope. Not that the good or better thing I want comes later. The hope is that I have the better thing now. Because God is all knowing, all-powerful, and loves me, whatever He gives or doesn’t give me is the better thing for me. God is working all things together for my good and His glory while he says no to my prayer of getting pregnant, by saying no, and is continually working all things together for my good even if the answer is no forever.
When God says no, He is withholding something in order to give us the better thing. But it’s not always what we want. That’s where the next promise comes in.
God is the constant.
What’s true about God is true, always.
This control line result and answer of no feels like the constant right now. And I may never get pregnant. God might permanently answer no to that prayer. But it’s not the constant.
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, and today, and forever.” Hebrews 13:8
Because God is unchanging and He always keeps His promises, I can eagerly praise God while He answers no to my prayers. Because I know that He is all powerful, in control and loves me, I can know that what I have right now is the best thing for me, for my good and His glory. What was true before is true now.
Jesus is the better thing.
I have the better thing. I have the hope of heaven and salvation. I have Jesus, who knows exactly what I’m going through. I am right with God. Everything I do has purpose, from the dishes to suffering faithfully through a trial. This is the better thing. I’d love to have a baby. But my hope has to remain in the only unchanging thing.
When you think of us, please pray for us to get pregnant. But more than that, pray for contentment with the answer regardless of what it is. I am fully convinced that it is better to have less and contentment than more with discontentment.
“Better is a little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble with it.” Proverbs 15:16
Lyrics:
The Control Line
Caught myself I’m making plans how to tell him
Thinking, “Well what if I am?” every time I’m a few days late.
But it’s just the one line.
The constant control line.
I’d love to see him a dad, what a gift
I’d love to give but I can’t since it is not mine to give
I hate the one line,
The constant control line.
Oh I know it’s for good cause You already told
For my good and Your glory and You’re always the same
So I lift up my hands, well I can since they’re empty
And with them I will praise, despite the unchanging.
Some say that when You withhold, You are silent
But a valid answer is no, and I know my place before You
You are unchanging, I am the quickly fading
Oh I know it’s for good, because You are the constant
And You keep what You promise, and You’re always the same
So I lift up my hands, though I feel them quite empty
And with them I will praise, despite the unchanging
This a reminder of the things too great to know
I see the line here and acknowledge Your control
Yours is the power, Yours is the planning, Yours is to know
Mine is to trust that You are good and God of all.
Oh I know it’s for good, because You are the constant
And You keep what You promise, and You’re always the same
So I lift up my hands, even now as they’re empty
And with them I will praise, the only unchanging.